What Kind of Mother

I grew up in a place called the Main Line, just outside Philadelphia. The Main Line isn’t a town or a school district or a county. It’s not a train line, although it got its name from a stretch of the Pennsylvania Railroad built in the 1800s. The Main Line contains a collection of towns, the same way Christie’s and Sotheby’s auction houses contain collections of jewels. It’s a loosely defined region, but more importantly it’s a state of mind, an atmosphere: of blue bloods and old money, horse shows, cricket clubs and sprawling estates. It’s the hometown of icy political spouse Betty Draper from Mad Men. When you read about or hear about the Main Line, you should imagine it being pronounced in an accent dripping with privilege, like Thurston Howell III.

If you’re the daughter of black immigrant doctors and you grow up in a place like this, the pressure to act or not act a certain way can be considerable. My mother wanted us to study hard, to excel, to race to the top. Underlying those aspirations was a cardinal rule: Don’t do anything or say anything that will confirm a negative stereotype white people have about black people. Don’t be loud. Don’t be late. Don’t talk like that. Don’t walk out of the house with your hair a bushy mess or your clothes a wrinkled mess. And I don’t think I ever did. Which is why, on a sunny day in August, hoisting 3-year-old Rose out of her car seat and into a cart at the supermarket, I froze when I realized something: My daughter had no pants on.

I had scooped her up so quickly in the driveway, I hadn’t noticed she was only wearing underwear and a shirt — a tunic-cut shirt, but a shirt nonetheless. Her Hello Kitty panties were exposed for all the world to see. And all I could think about was, what kind of mother do I look like? Or, just as likely since my daughter is so fair-skinned, what kind of babysitter do I look like? I prayed I wouldn’t run into any neighborhood parents — which I did (a perfectly tanned couple and their blond daughters, who had floated out of a J.Crew catalog). I prayed Rose wouldn’t broadcast it in her high-decibel warble — which she did, at the crowded deli counter. (“Mommy, where are my pants? This cart is making my butt freeze!”) It was the fastest market run I’d made in years.

I know all parents have these moments (right? right?). But in that brief instant, I wasn’t just a frazzled, disorganized mom picking up last-minute ingredients for dinner. I was the black mother whose child was in a public place in her underwear. I saw myself the way Betty Draper might see me, and the feeling I got was as irrational as it was real: I hadn’t just let down my daughter and her slightly shivering backside. I had let down my entire race. I didn’t want to feel that, but I couldn’t escape feeling it.

Big thanks to Fabiola Perez-Sitko, maker of the handcrafted, multicultural line of dolls fig & me for the photo above. It’s a funny story: Not wanting to use a photo of a real child in underwear, I started searching for images of dolls and landed on her blog. Then, a few minutes after my email, these words from the northern shore of Lake Superior: “I am Mexican, and my husband is Canadian of European descent. More often than not people do not associate my children with their father, and in some occasions have thought and said he had adopted them.”

Amazing. Caramels abound.

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7 Comments

  1. Posted – Sep 13 at   | Permalink | Reply

    A real mom: that’s the kind of mom who manages to make it out of the house without noticing her daughter has no pants on. Believe me, you are not alone. My parenting failures should make you feel infinitely better:

    A few months ago, I was paged to the nursery at our church because my daughter needed a diaper. “A diaper? Did she have an accident? She only wears underwear. She’s fully potty trained.” “Yes, that’s the problem. She came to church without underwear under her dress.”

    Mom of the year.

  2. Odetta MacLeish-White
    Posted – Sep 13 at   | Permalink | Reply

    Girl, one morning (not too long ago) I got out of the house with Isaiah in much too short a time and after dropping him off at day care I started thinking back over the morning to see what I had done to get out of the house so early. So I could do it again. Ah…there it was… forgot to feed him! Niiiiicceee…..

    • Posted – Sep 13 at   | Permalink | Reply

      It’s great to hear stories like this and be reminded that I am, indeed, not alone. Thank you Odetta and Mediocre Mom!

  3. Posted – Sep 15 at   | Permalink | Reply

    I remember around the fifth grade, after learning about the concept of ‘race’, (from a combination of TV and school books) that I didn’t want to do anything stupid to ‘disgrace my race’. Sometimes I think back on that and realize how ignorant I was. There have already been millions of people that have disgraced my ‘race’ already.

  4. Posted – Sep 18 at   | Permalink | Reply

    I have always tried to be open and honest with my kids about everything–including human anatomy. When my middle daughter was a preschooler she started noticing that boys and girls were anatomically different. She decided to publicly share this difference while checking out at the grocery store. She pointed to the cashier, “You have a VAGINA!” and to the bagger, “You have a PENIS!” She was really proud of herself and her grin probably stretched from one afro-puffed piggy tail to the other. I was mortified…

    That same daughter has also shoplifted more times than I can count. I’m waiting until she brings home her first boyfriend so that I can return the embarrassing favor ;-P Maybe naked baby pictures? A public telling of these same stories?

  5. Posted – Sep 20 at   | Permalink | Reply

    I am a New Englander who now lives in Philly……I came up on your blog while longingly reading over the Boston Globe (sometimes the Inquirer just doesn’t cut it). Kudos, I love it, your truth that is. I don’t have children (yet) but its nice to know what may await me if I decided to move forth in the direction I’ve chosen in the places I’ve chosen. Keep on keeping on. (PS: I love Dover, one of the best places to ride your bike through).

    • Posted – Sep 20 at   | Permalink | Reply

      Thanks so much for finding and following the blog, Larae. I appreciate the support! And I hear you on the Inquirer — I grew up reading it toward the end of its Pulitzer golden era, and haven’t seen it or read it in years.

      If you’re ever in the Dover/Sherborn area drop a line and let me know! In the meantime you can follow/Like/Share Caramels on Maple Street on Facebook.

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